Groupie Diaries: The one who ended it

Everyone thinks it's fair to assume that just because you're a musician that you have groupies. I think in order to have groupies you have to accept their offer to be your groupie in the first place. I do not have groupies. Sure there are girls at the shows that show groupie tendencies, but these days I tend to just let them be and move on about getting my money. It wasn't always this way. This one night at this one show there was a groupie who made me quit groupies cold turkey.

She was hands down the slickest, smartest, most cunning groupie of them all. She had a zen like approach to being a groupie. Very calm, very calculated, very patient but executed with precision timing and efficiency.

I met her at a show in Seattle where I was the opening act for a pretty well known (at least in hip hop circles) touring act. It was around the time when I got really comfortable playing the keyboard on stage during my sets so of course I was feeling myself - and she was feeling me too.

I ended my set with "Music", my go to show stopper where I rap sing and play the keys, to a pretty light crowd of maybe 50 people at best. As I got off stage and came out from the back, there was a group of older women who waited for me as I came out. I politely entertained, doing my artist duties to try and further encapsulate my grou-...I mean fans. Throughout the conversation with the trio of grown a sexies I noticed her noticing me. She stood there, playing the eye game, sipping her drink slow. Reaaaally slow. On second thought I doubt that chick was even sippin anything cuz I don't recall the level of fluid in her glass EVER moving! LOL. Hmmm...that makes her just that much colder.

Anyway, as I made my way through the group of women she approached me. So textbook. So methodical. She says (in a very tele-sales kinda way) "I really enjoyed your set, the way you flow, your lyrics, the way you sing and oh my goodness you can play piano. You're amazing!" Being a rapper, I was just basking in all the compliments, getting my little ego stroked and shit. She continued, "Let me buy you a drink!" Now, I always have had a rule that stands about 85% of the time and thats that I don't drink at shows and even if I do, I drink after my set but me, feeling the love and all, gets the drink.

That was it. She left me to my drink. Which I promptly killed.

As the night continued, I would go back and forth from main floor to backstage. On one of the backstage trips I recall grabbing a PBR tall boy and bringing it out to the main floor. The moment she saw me with the PBR she comes to me and says, "Put that down and get a real drink with me."

Once again, she leaves me to my drink. Which I promptly killed.

Not 15 minutes later she pops back up with another drink. Without saying a word, she shoves the straw in my face and says... "Drink up!". Which now I realize more than ever coulda been super dangerous but...

She left me to drink that drink. Which I promptly killed.

Now i'm good and loose and she pulls me to the dance floor. 2 songs into our bumpin n grindin she hits me with the coldest groupie one liner ever! "I really have to use the bathroom but that line is sooo long." Doesn't sound like much does it? What that line does is puts me, the rapper with backstage access, in quite the predicament. She knows i've been backstage, she knows I can take her to the backstage bathroom, she knows what happens with groupies backstage at shows.

So I took her back to the bathroom. Which she pulled me into to try and start a makeout session. Good deal! Now go pee so we can watch the rest of the show.

On the way back out I needed to stop in my dressing room area to make sure all my equipment was safe. She followed me in, closed the door, locked it, turned the lights off, hopped on top and proceeded to......

TRY AND REACH IN MY POCKETS AND TAKE MY MONEY I GOT FROM PERFORMING THAT NIGHT!

Crazy ass chick!? Wtf?!

Moral of the story - never trust a groupie! They're watching you.